Some of these comments are not so great

By Jeremy Glass
October 26, 2018
Courtesy of LaCroix

Something stinks over at LaCroix, and it’s not their coconut water.

This morning, MotherJones published a collection of corporate statements written by the billionaire CEO of LaCroix’s parent company, National Beverage Co.

Over a documented period of nine years, 82-year-old Nick A. Caporella penned a number of annual reports, earnings statements, and press releases with an overarching tone leaning heavily to the right. While no one should be judged solely on their political beliefs, Caporella goes out of his way to incorporate his views on the Kavanaugh hearings and the murder of Jamal Khashoggi in completely unrelated issues.

A press release from last week showcases how the powerful octogenarian manages to turn an inquiry from the FDA about LaCroix’s “all natural” label into a political matter.

“Our innocence was severely tested these last few weeks with critics using cruel and heartless descriptions that tore at our hearts with shameless fabrications resulting in hundreds of millions of dollars of investor losses by their now proven false allegations. Is our moral code of justice, ‘Innocent Until Proven Guilty’, a once honored and revered dogma, now synthetic? In business today, is there protection for the innocent? It is unfortunate we live in a time when unscrupulous and misleading allegations can be made with complete disregard for the reputation, credibility and integrity of a person, company or brand.”

This looney comparison of seltzer to due process is far from the first instance of insanity from Caporella. After Obama’s 2012 reelection, a statement is put out reading, “Final services for President Kennedy’s—'What You Can Do For Your Country' were held November 6, 2012. Will traditional ‘Golden Standards’ also go the way of that challenge?” while Trump’s 2016 win had Caporella gushing, “America put a capital ‘H’ on Hope.”

It’s not so much the way Caporella includes his political beliefs in these corporate statements, but rather the awkward—and completely inappropriate—way he ties back national tragedies to his seltzer company. Case in point, this statement after the murder of Trayvon Martin:

“In times of ‘unparalleled circumstances’, where ‘Stand Your Ground’ laws or Rogue Comments by the leaders of our country—unnerving even the mightiest—trigger dilemma in a jittery society. Drama has trampled our spirits, becoming our daily wake-up call! Well, the only Drama here at National Beverage is our devotion and passion to excel.” You can read all of them over at Mother Jones.

Hmm… tone-deaf comments about gun rights and a penchant for randomly capitalized letters? Seems familiar. Like our Commander-in-Chief, Caporella also has a history of sexual harassment and love of uncalled for rants. FYI, it’s worth mentioning that each of these corporate statements closs with the phrase “'Patriotism'—If Only We Could Bottle It!”