How to Secretly Drink at Your Office on Election Day
Because refreshing 538 isn't going to help
Since Election Day isn’t considered a national holiday, most Americans will be at the office during the democratic process that decides the fate of our country. A stack of invoices or a complicated project might distract you, but it definitely doesn’t take the edge off. In this special election day circumstance, drinking on the job is not just acceptable, but most likely necessary. Here’s a play-by-play of how to drink at the office without anyone (really) noticing.
What’s quicker than a shower and stronger than toothpaste? A shot of vodka to wake you up. But also, please do brush your teeth.
The lines to vote can be long, so pop some coffee and whiskey, red wine hot chocolate, or this elaborate coffee cocktail in a thermos before making the trek. Take extra gulps any time someone tries to debate you in line.
A large glass of cold water, or a pre-emptive can of La Croix (a reliable hangover cure). Hydration is key to staying discrete.
Go out to a restaurant, order a single glass of wine (Pinot Grigio) and a salad that you just kind of pick at because you’re too anxious to swallow.
Coffee with a coworker (no alcohol involved, to throw off any suspicion) (also, because you know how wine makes you sleepy).
You forgot about the election for a blissful hour and then remembered. Chug a panic-beer in the bathroom. One of the many coffee beers on the market is sure to give you the pick me up you need.
The carbonation from the beer is sitting in your stomach. Try soaking it up with some toast or a tried-and-true breakfast sandwich.
A glass of bourbon, neat. Tell any coworkers that pass that you “figured you’d get a head start” on election night. They laugh. It’s an empty laugh, though, because everyone is terrified. You end up pouring a few more glasses for your floor-mates.
Polls close in Hawaii, Indiana, and Kentucky. Take a shot for each while crouched behind your desk.
By 9:00 PM, most polls will have closed, but with any luck, you’ll have fallen asleep on your couch sans pants long before that point. May we suggest trying out one of these recipes in the morning?