How to Eat Food Scraps Like a Boss
If your boss is a hungry raccoon
For the most part, I’ve always thought I was pretty good at eating. I’ve been in the food business for over 15 years and have enthusiastically gobbled things up in the name of “research.” I’ve also been eating as a side project since I was born to keep me both alive and regular. But every so often the sages of the internet will make their way onto my Facebook feed to let me know there are foods that I’ve been “eating wrong” and in that moment the very foundation of my existence cracks. What else am I doing wrong? Is there a chance these startling "You've Been Eating This Wrong Your Whole Life" headlines are not dismissible as clickbait? Is there wisdom beyond things I have spent a lifetime accepting as normal? Have I fallen victim to gastronomic peer pressure, not questioning authority hard enough? Consider the following:
The concept of an apple core is a lie, nothing more than a social construct. A YouTube video entitled “How to Eat Apples Like a Boss” seems to have kicked off this movement, and with close to four million views, it’s obvious that there are people out there who have spent their lives being unsatisfied with apple culture as we know it. They are rebels who laugh in the face of convention, who aspire to be more than human. They want to be “a boss.” They want to devour whole apples in front of an audience, using their bravery in the face of a fibrous core to assert their dominance. They fear nothing.
A boss knows now to transcend their core prejudice, understanding that any discomfort in eating an apple core exists entirely in their mind. They know that by rotating an apple 90 degrees and eating it from the bottom up, their perception is altered enough to enter a state of fearlessness, just as astronauts become disoriented in zero gravity. The core is virtually undetectable save for a tiny orb in the center which they will plow through, seeds and all. The seeds can release a bit of hydrogen cyanide as it works its way through the digestive system, but a true boss does not care. A boss knows it would take a sack of apple seeds to poison them, but also knows you don’t know that. A boss laughs in the face of death. A boss eats the whole apple, and they freakin’ love it.
You might throw eggshells into the trash or compost pile, but that’s because you are a person who doesn’t care about their bones. Eggshells should be boiled, lightly roasted, and then ground into a fine powder to stir into your smoothies or chia pudding. Each eggshell will give you not one, but two whole grams of elemental calcium–more than double the recommended daily value. And elemental calcium is the kind your body loves sucking up like a Hoover and putting straight to work, because it’s practically identical to the type that makes up our bones and teeth. Scientific studies have proven that it causes a measurable increase in bone density in as little as a year.
It is chock full of other vitamins like magnesium, iron, manganese, boron and much more, meaning that the vitamin industry has been hoodwinking you for years. You’ve been chewing on fortified gummies and caramels, when the power of regeneration was in front of you the entire time. It’s like a rom-com, but for your bones.
If you’ve only smoked banana peels or used them for classic practical jokes, you’ve been missing out. The skins and outer layers of most fruits and vegetables are nutritionally dense thanks to their absorption of sunlight, which apparently has some sort of superpowers that I don’t fully understand (I do know that it kills vampires, who want to kill you as badly as Hot Pockets do, so this claim is probably legit). We discard them like they don’t even exist to us. Even monkeys peel bananas, because they’re simpletons who can’t see the bigger picture. Maybe if they had the internet they’d know about all the B12 and potassium they’re missing out on, and they’d live longer than 20 years like a bunch of chumps.
Is going to town and chomping on a whole banana pleasant? No. The peels are stringy and tough and bitter, and even if you allow them to become overripe when they are supposedly at their sweetest, it’s still not enough. In fact, it’s pretty awful. But do not be deterred, because the community of internet quackery says if you’re just not trying hard enough. You can pickle them, throw them into smoothies, or do other things that take a significant amount of effort to keep these 100% biodegradable pieces of garbage out of the landfill. In fact, we must do this in order to compensate for all those filthy monkey who are flippantly destroying the earth by leaving their banana peels everywhere.
Stop eating wrong. Be a boss. Change the world.