You can thank/blame Reddit

By Matt Gross
February 07, 2018

As a lactose-intolerant breakfast aficionado, I have issues with cereal. On the one hand, I love it. Growing up, my Saturday mornings were spent with bowl after bowl of Cheerios, Life, and Kix, which I ate while watching cartoons—and lusting after the candy-colored Cap’n Crunch, Count Chocula, and Froot Loops advertised thereon. Those enamel-dissolving treats were, alas, verboten in my house.

On the other, milk makes me feel pretty ill, and cereal without milk just makes no sense.(Don’t talk to me about soy or almond milk, please.) So what’s a cereal lover to do?

For answers, I turned, naturally, to this thread on Reddit, which asks, “have you ever tried to substitute milk in cereal?” The answer, of course, is yes. Those Reddit people, as you may know, are an imaginative bunch, and in lieu of milk they’ve tried everything from coffee (“not bad” on granola) to alcoholic eggnog (on Lucky Charms: “It sounded like such a brilliant idea at the time. It was disgusting and gave me an instant hangover, but I choked them down anyway.”). In other words, this was a treasure trove of potential grossness—and a potential solution to my milkless cereal problem.

photo by Alex tepper

The most promising, and most possibly disgusting option, was to mix Fruity Pebbles with Mountain Dew. And to help me ask “Is It Gross?,” I invited to the tasting my Close Personal Friend™ Andrew Zimmern, who had grown tired of ingesting testicles and bug poop and was craving something a bit more, well, challenging. Hold on to your barf bags, amigos!