A Self-Stirring Mug Is the Gift You Buy Your Lazy Self
Who knows what you want better than you do?
The six-month onslaught of songs about the most wonderful time of the year, car commercials that make you want to murder a slew of rich people for putting bows on their new luxury vehicles, and forced fun that the world knows as Christmas is finally over. But, despite being a good boy or girl all year (or at least trying), there are a few presents out there that even Santa didn't know existed. Case in point: the self-stirring mug. Just when you thought there might have been an end to the number of things humankind can spend its money on.
But when you think about it, who doesn't need a self-stirring mug? Who hasn't agonized as they pour sugar into their coffee, only to plunge a cold spoon into the warm depths below and hope that their arm has the strength to dissolve every last crystal? Can any of us profess to having the yeoman's patience to pour milk—whether it be cow's, almond, soy, cashew, or even camel's milk—into our piping-hot beverage of choice, only to take on the tedious task of stirring? Speak up comrade, for you are not alone.
This magical, mysterious machine makes one of the most onerous tasks of modern existence and sends it straight into oblivion. According to the bottom of the self-stirring mug's packaging, it's not only "what every man wants" (sorry, everyone else), but it's also "the ultimate lazy man's mug." And it's easy to see why. With just the press of a button, the self-stirring mug allows your beverages to get a steady whirlpool going, fulfilling every lazy-man's fantasy in mere seconds. Say what you will about 2016 (and its weird quest to kill off every single person we actually like), but it brought us this magnificent innovation. What a time to be alive for the foreseeable future!
But how does this mysterious addition to the betterment of humanity work? Do you dare look at the man behind the curtain? Are you so bold as to question the inner workings of the self-stirring mug? If you're willing to wantonly thumb your nose at such a creation, behold this video from the What's Inside? team, who surely love destroying household items as much as life enjoys destroying your dreams.
Turns out that the self-stirring mug is really little more than a battery-powered motor that spins a propeller in the bottom of the mug. To be frank, I was hoping for more. I expected nothing less than Poseidon to come out of the bottom of the self-stirring mug, spending his eternity spinning your beverages to the perfect, frothy consistency. Or, failing that, I hoped that there might be a tiny starfish inside each mug, spinning ever faster for the enjoyment of its human master.
It may not make your hopes and dreams come true (shame on me for invoking the Greek gods), but it will spin your coffee, tea, hot chocolate, or office whiskey very quickly. And since it says SELF STIRRING MUG in obnoxiously large letters, it will let the world know that you're a refined person who enjoys style, grace, and laziness.