We can’t all be winners.
For a seemingly chocolate-centric holiday, Valentine’s Day is kind of the worst—at least, in terms of candy selection. But you can actually use February’s underwhelming junk food aisles to your advantage. Here’s how:
Ever heard the saying, “kill ‘em with kindness?” Well, I say kill ‘em with gross candy.
When you give your frenemy one of the four worst Valentine’s candies (ranked here from “ew” to “WHY?!”), it’ll look like you’re taking the high road—but, as we all know, looks can be very, very deceiving.
4. Peeps Marshmallow Hearts
For the love of God, was ruining Easter not enough for these sad little birds?
It’s time we stop this charade: Peeps are not marshmallows. I’ll say it again for the people in the back: Peeps. Are. Not. Marshmallows.
They are old sponges rolled in sugar and food coloring, and molding them into hearts isn’t going to change that.
Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
3. Dove Pink Champagne & Milk Chocolate Swirl Hearts
I love me some milk chocolate Dove, so I’m certainly not trying to bash the brand. But these really, really, really missed the mark. We shared a bag of these at the office—here’s what my coworkers had to say:
“These were a mistake. Nyquil-esque.”
“This tastes like a drunken high school party beverage and also medicine and also old candy from your grandma’s purse.”
“Tastes like nail polish remover. I wish I could undo eating this.”
So yeah, I’d say we wouldn’t recommend them.
2. Sweethearts Conversation Hearts
I know what you’re thinking: Why aren’t these chalky monstrosities No. 1? It was a tough call, but I think I made the right decision. More on that later, though.
WATCH: Here's Why You Won't See Sweetheart Conversation Hearts This Valentine's Day
I’m convinced that nobody in the world actually likes conversation hearts—they like the idea of conversation hearts. Sure, the little sayings are cute. And, hey, maybe you do want to tell your S.O. that you’re “crazy 4” them. But, you guys, Hallmark exists. Just buy a card and be done with it. Trust me, your Valentine will thank you.
1. Box of assorted chocolates (any brand)
Life is like a box of chocolates—it’s unpredictable, and sometimes it sucks.
Maybe two out of ten are ever actually good, and attempting to find those needles in a haystack is a very dangerous game. You almost always end up a little nauseated and a lot underwhelmed.
In summation: A heart-shaped box full of mystery chocolates is not a treat, it’s a curse. Give accordingly.